I always thought it’d be fun to write a blog to show my child when they were 18. You know, write during pregnancy, birthdays and important events. And then when they are 18, give them the page and let them read. 

I also think this is for friends and family to know what’s going on, and what’s happening as we bring a new life into the world. 

I also think it’s for me. I need a place to put my thoughts, good and bad during this whole adventure….because it seems to currently be overwhelming me. 

So really what I should have started with is this:  I’m pregnant (at least according to a plastic stick). 

In April I was 3-4 days late, but Aunt Flo came eventually. And every test I took was negative. And now May rolls around and I currently am 4 days late. So I start to wonder if something is wrong with me. I mean I have started cycling A LOT in the past 2 months. So I google it (cause that’s what every sane person does who needs an immediate answer). And I read that excessive exercise (like cycling A LOT) can put a kink in your cycle, and it’s not a good thing either. You’re hormones are all out of whack and stuff.  So I think to myself, that if I don’t start by Monday I will call the doctor. 

When I woke up this morning, I still hadn’t started, so I decided to pee on a stick. I honestly felt at this point, that cycling explained everything. And I looked at the stick, expecting the one line that I normally get, and the feeling of disappointment that followed…..and there was 2 lines. 

And then I started shaking and crying (that only lasted about an hour, and then sporadically after that….I expect it to last the rest of the day).  I tried to calm myself before I woke brian, but that shit was not happening. So I woke brian up. And of course seeing me standing there crying he thought my grandma had died. Alas no, I told him I was pregnant.

There was no jumping for joy or curling into a ball to cry in the corner. He was just Brian – cool, calm and collected as always. And then he proceeded to talk me through everything I was thinking of. Which is a hell of a lot. 

My first few thoughts:

– how do I tell my work. 

– fuck no drinking at MHC

– oh crap, can we still go to London

– I just started to really lose weight, damn

– shit no drinking at MHC – people will question that…me without a drink at MHC us like blasphemy. 

– I’m gonna be a mom….omg….I’m gonna be a mom

– Brian’s gonna be a dad….omg….Brian’s gonna be a dad. 

– can we financially do this

– what room should become the nursery

– I have to push this thing out of me, that’s gonna fucking suck

– I just bought hair dye…can I dye my hair

– I just bought the paint to do my cabinets, can I do that

– I better get my social life in now

It was after all this talking and mostly calming down that I called my bestie Katie. Cause there is no way I will get through this without someone to talk to besides brian. I like to think I’m good at secrets, but I’m not so sure about this one. Thanks god she’s already a mom and can help calm me a bit. And deal with my crazies. And as she basically said, “you didn’t call me to ask me to help get it out of you, so you’re already doing good”.  Oh, she just gets me. 

So here we are, waiting to head out with Adam and Julie for the day. Going to see his mom and grandma and then going to shoot some guns. I need to keep my shit together, and stop trying to think of everything.

I’ll call on Tuesday and make a doctors appointment, to verify everything. And then to tell the family. 

The irony in all of this was our decision about 2-3 weeks ago, to stop trying to get pregnant, so that we could go to London in the fall of 2015. And I feel selfish for thinking that I may never get to London now. And I really want to see Hamlet. UGh, yeah, there’s the selfishness. 

Just breathe for now diana, just breathe.