So you only get one of these. My FIRST Mother’s Day. I believe this one is so important because this is the first recognized day to celebrate that my life has changed completly and for the better.
I’m currently prepping food for about 9 people for a cookout. And hoping the weather holds, but I doubt it. And all the while Kahlan is playing on her mat or we are cuddling inbetween cooking times.
And I love this.
They say you never really know how much you can love until you have a child. And I always assumed that was a true statement, I never doubted it. But I never knew just how true it was. I love Kahlan so much my heart hurts, my head races and my eyes water. This is the best and scariest feeling in the entire world. And I wouldn’t change it.
I have times when I get upset. Frustrated with her or me or a situation. And I cry and yell. But then I look at her and just know we will get through it together.
I have times when I am depressed for my lack of a life and a lack of friends. But then I look at her and I know that in the end she is worth my entire life and I would give it up for her in a second.
I have times when I wish for a break. To just get away. And then that turns to guilt for wanting to leave her alone when she needs me so much still. I am all she really knows for comfort. For food. For life. To not give her that when she needs it so is unthinkable. That’s when I look at her and know that this moment will not last forever. That I should cherish this time when she needs me. When she’s older I will get my break, and it will be much deserved.
I see things so much differently now. I understand now. I know now that some of the things I did to my parents when I was younger was horrible. One situation more then others. I know I am forgiven, I know they love me. But I can’t help but think of how sorry I am. That if Kahlan ever stopped talking to me I would die inside. And I did that. I had no idea the pain and hurt I caused, or what I missed out on. And I thought I knew, but I truly didn’t know until now.
It’s amazing what a small little person can do to you.
Being a mother has opened my eyes. And I am fearful of the future, but I am also SO looking forward to it. To see everything that she does, what she becomes and how I change with her. This is just the start of an amazing ride that I am beyond happy to be on.
